Wisdom for People Pleasers

1 Thessalonians 2:3 
“We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts.”

People matter. But sometimes, people and their approval matter too much. I can get tangled up in the people-pleasing game wanting others to like me and applaud my efforts. This becomes counter productive. I need a different strategy.

PROBLEM
Chronic people-pleasing diminishes the soul.  If we are always trying to make others happy we become smaller people and we loose our way. Our capacity shrinks and our purpose shrivels.  

Aesop’s 6th Cent. B.C. fable makes the point (Harvard Classics, 1909-14).

The Man, The Boy and The Donkey
A man and his son were once going with their donkey to market. As they were walking along by its side a countryman passed them and said: “You fools, what is a donkey for but to ride upon?”

So the man put the boy on the donkey and they went on their way. But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said: “See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides.”

So the man ordered his boy to get off, and got on himself. But they hadn’t gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other: “Shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along.”

Well, the man didn’t  know what to do, but at last he took his boy up before him on the donkey. By this time they had come to the town, and the passers-by began to jeer and point at them. The man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at. The men said: “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor Donkey of yours—you and your hulking son?”

The man and boy got off and tried to think what to do. They thought and they thought, till at last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders. They went along amid the laughter of all who met them till they came to Market Bridge, when the donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the boy to drop his end of the pole. In the struggle the donkey fell over the bridge, and his fore-feet being tied together he was drowned. “That will teach you,” said an old man who had followed them: “Please all, and you will please none.”

Reacting to every criticism feeds a vicious circle of defeat. Of course I need encouragement, but craving affirmation makes me vulnerable to indecision and folly. The harder I try to please the crowds the more complicated it becomes. It is like drinking salt water to quench thirst – the problem escalates.

SOLUTION
Choose an audience of ONE. It is much easier (and wiser) to please one God than many friends. In 1Thessalonians Paul is writing to people who have criticised him. His comment is wise. "We are not trying to please you but God." That must be my objective also. 

Someone may be thinking, it is hard to please God and to know what God wants. Not true. Most of God’s will is plain in the Bible, in common sense, in the community of believers, in the history of the faith, in the witness of the Spirit, in the place of prayer, in the book of nature and in the promise of Jesus’ abiding presence.

If none of that helps initially, I submit that it is still easier to work out what God wants than to please everyone else. And even if I fail God, I am still in a better place. God’s forgiveness is sweeter than the highest praise of people.

Live from your HEART. Paul was keen to have God judging his heart rather than people judging his actions. Me too! People rank us by our outward achievements and rate us on our performance but they don’t know the whole story. If they can’t see our motives they may very well misinterpret our actions.  

We are blind to each other’s history, ignorant of dreams and unaware of fears that lurk beneath the surface. We are too quick to judge and slow to discern. God however is attentive to our entire story, both public and private, from beginning to end. So, keep a pure heart and let God (not people) score your progress.

What peace to live for an audience of one, the Holy One. What joy to have my heart assessed in heaven when my actions on earth draw disapproval from others. Today I choose not to be a people-pleaser. And tomorrow I’ll have to make the same choice again …

Questions

• In what circumstances is it harmful to please people and when is it wise? What is a people pleaser?
• How do you battle the people pleaser syndrome?
• Please leave a comment.

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